Genuine connection: the solution to the loneliness epidemic

By Susan Melendez Doak, LPC

I grew up as a military kid in a family that was constantly moving. My father grew up in New York City and my mom in rural Oklahoma. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for both of them to raise a family away from their homegrown connections and supports. We didn’t have grandparents close by—or even on the same continent. There were no family dinners to go to for Christmas or baby showers to attend for cousins; we always lived too far away and were not able to have much connection with our extended families.

This experience as a military kid gives me some insight into what it feels like to be an outsider as well as what it feels like to create genuine connections with people that were not simply inherited from a hometown or family ancestry. Military families are incredibly skilled at forming fast connections to make a family away from family.

What is causing the Loneliness Epidemic

You may have heard of the “loneliness epidemic,” a term introduced by U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy in 2023 when he issued an urgent advisory, sounding the alarm about the growing problem of loneliness in America. The Surgeon General’s advisory states that loneliness is “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.”

The advisory reports that the rates for loneliness are highest for Americans ages 30-44, regardless of gender, with higher rates of loneliness for those facing socioeconomic challenges. The causes of loneliness outlined in the advisory include:

• technology
• insufficient time with family
• people feeling overworked or exhausted
• mental health challenges
• living in an individualistic society
• lack of religious or spiritual life

Societal division contributes to loneliness

Our society is changing rapidly and many of us are likely to feel more distant from other people. APA’s latest Stress in America™ survey conducted in 2025 revealed that societal division in our nation is a significant stressor for many U.S. adults. Their survey results suggest that lonliness is a pervasive undercurrent and perhaps a defining feature of current American life. This loneliness is correlated with many negative risks to our health and society. The Surgeon General’s advisory describes the gravity of the impact:

“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.”

The impact of loneliness on relationships and society

Loneliness impacts the quality of our relationships and the social fibers that hold our communities together. Technology like social media seems to promise social connection, and brings a surface level of connection, but often leaves people feeling undernourished at best and more socially distant or exiled at worst. The work from home trend prompted by the COVID pandemic has meant that more people are sitting at commuters at home for work rather than sharing jokes around the lunch table in the break room at the office. There just are not as many opportunities to be face-to-face.

What I see in therapy

As a therapist, I have witnessed increased social anxiety with decreased practice in social situations for my clients. They suddenly start to fear going into the office if they only go once a month. I’ve also seen that loneliness and depression seem to feed one another. Feelings of isolation mean that we can start to develop a distorted view of ourselves and others. Humans are wired for social connection, and when we don’t have it regularly, even in small ways, we become disoriented and tend to turn on ourselves. Our internal worlds need the counterbalance of genuine human connections to be kept in check.

Cultivate genuine human connections

There are no easy solutions to the problem of loneliness. There are, however, some changes we can make in our lives to combat loneliness by cultivating genuine human connections. Being intentional about forming connetions in the smallest ways could have major impacts on public and personal health and happiness. I offer a few suggestions.

1. Say “Hello.” Say “hello”, make eye contact, and don’t be afraid to greet people you don’t know. Greetings are so important that in many cultures; they have been formalized in language and custom. Instead of looking at your phone or avoiding eye contact, have an open posture and go out of your way to say “hi,” especially to your elders. Introduce yourself in a group setting and make introductions between those who may not know one another. Simple, I know!
2. Say “goodbye.” When you leave a room, a relationship, a job, a church, or any gathering, say “goodbye.” Acknowledge that being with this group or person was important to you, even if temporary. No one wants to feel “ghosted.” To “ghost” someone is to leave the relationship without acknowledging the other person. For example, in dating, you may not want to go on a second date with someone. You can disappear from the app or not return the text and the person will eventually “get it,” yes, but not without feeling hurt and discarded. It takes some courage and effort to acknowledge someone by simply saying “Goodbye” or “This isn’t going to work out for me—but I appreciate the time we spent together and wish you the best.”
3. Use social media to enhance in-person connections, not replace them. Social media is one way to keep in touch with friends and family and to let others know what is going on in your life. Changes with algorithms and ad-centric platforms have sadly made it harder to find our actual “friends” on social media. But the platform is a great place to connect with people who have similar interests (dog lovers would agree, right?). Consider taking it a step further and meeting a friend in person that you met online. Show up to that dog park meet up and connect while taking about your furry friends. Use social media to expand your professional network. I met a colleague in the counseling private practice field online and one year later, we met in person to spend some time together to work on our businesses and to support one another. It was life-giving! Instead of using social media to blast your opinions and views to strangers, use it to find connecting points between you and others in your life offline.
4. Thank people. Say “thank you” to those that help you in your every-day life. Make it a point to look at people and thank them for bagging your groceries or making your coffee. Thank the kid that held the door open for you and the guy who stopped what he was doing on the airplane to help you put your bag in the over-head compartment. Thank your spouse for making dinner and your grandma for always remembering your birthday. To thank someone is to recognize that their action has positive meaning in your life. Gratitude builds connection.
5. Invite people to your home. Years ago, I remember going to a church in Missouri for the first time and having to decide which house I’d go to for lunch, because two families invited me on the same Sunday. What a great problem to have! There are some things that people will never understand about you if they have not been to your home. There’s no need to be fancy because the point is having time to share food, drink and conversation. Sit around the fire in the back yard with hot cocoa or host a movie night. Home truly is where the heart is.
6. Follow up.  Become a master at closing the loop and you’ll see your professional and personal life bloom. Send an extra email after that job interview to follow up and thank the interviewer for their time. Loop back to the friend that mentioned their need for a babysitter and share your list of sitters. Respond to the sender of group emails just to acknowledge that you are tracking. When you follow up, it shows you are listening and you care.
7. Say “I’m sorry.” We’re going to make mistakes. A lot of mistakes. Relationships can rupture over a misunderstanding. When we see our part in the rupture, it is our responsibility to try to repair by apologizing and taking responsibility. Forgiveness is the tenant of many religious faiths because it a vehicle for peace and reconciliation. If we slight, hurt, or harm someone else, even if unintentionally, the path to tearing down the wall between us is accountability and forgiveness. I accidentally cut a gentleman in line at the grocery store and realized it when his body language changed. I apologized and changed places with him as a way to repair with him and show him I respect him and the system of lines at grocery stores. He appreciated it. Small actions make up the social fabric of our society and give others a sense of safety and security.
8. Show up in a crisis. Literally stop what you are doing. Set aside an hour or a day or even a week. I have observed a trend: people becoming so busy and consumed by their own schedules and lives that they are unaware and unwilling to help family members and friends in crisis. This is alarming to me. When someone loses a loved one, has an emergency, or goes through a tragedy, the timing will be inconvenient. What if we were to build buffers and systems into our lives to be able to be there for people in crisis? I had a friend who kept a kitchen cabinet full of disposable aluminum casserole dishes. Whenever she made lasagna or enchiladas for her family, she made a double portion, one for the aluminum pan, and put it in the freezer to distribute later for someone in her community going through loss or the birth of a baby. The act of showing up after a death or a birth is one of the most important things we can do to strengthen the bonds of love and connection in dark times.

Step out of your comfort zone

Take a minute to slow down and consider how you would like to cultivate genuine human connection in your own life and family. The pace of our lives at work and home often leave us feeling like we have nothing left to give. We can make a thinking error when we are exhausted by seeing social connection as one more thing that will deplete our energy. We are often not remembering that these connections also give us energy, joy and motivation to keep going in hard times. I encourage you: Step out of your comfort zone and see what happens!