Inviting Joy

By Lisa Knudsen, LPC

Joy, that lightness of being that puts a bounce in our step, may be elusive for many of us. Ever since the pandemic it seems that the barriers to joy abound—loneliness, despair, depression, anxiety, grief, loss, and adversity. How do we find our way around and through these barriers? How do we live with the division and fear and uncertainty in our world and still know joy?

To answer this question, I looked to the The Book of Joy (Avery, 2016) by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The authors begin with a reminder that joy and happiness are a by-product; they cannot be achieved with determination or the intention to “go get them.” Instead, they offer a back-to-basics approach to making room for joy which is built on eight pillars. These eight pillars are encapsulated in two categories. The first are four qualities of the mind: perspective, humility, humor, and acceptance. The second are qualities of the heart: forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and generosity. They are summarized below in the hope that they will bolster your capacity to view life through the lens of joy.

Qualities of the Mind

1) Perspective: Perspective means taking a step back and seeing the world from a wider lens. This expanded view involves moving beyond limited self-awareness, being willing to move from “I” and “me” to “us” and “we”. Taking a wider view works to reduce anxiety and worry. The
authors quote Victor Frankl (author of Man’s Search for Meaning) who says that our perspective toward life is our final and ultimate freedom. I have a colleague who asks her clients who are struggling to find perspective, “What else could it be?” She often asks it repeatedly, albeit gently.

2) Humility: Humility is defined as considering oneself as one human being among many other human beings, who all have the same potential for constructive and destructive emotions. Humility puts everyone on common ground where no one is better or less than anyone else. I know a spiritual director who says that humility is being “right sized.” Having humility allows one to be approachable and effective in relationships. There is room for frailty, vulnerability, and limitations, as well as the knowledge that human beings need one another. Humility has its root in the word “humus” which means soil. Humility brings us down to earth.

3) Humor: The authors state that laughter is central to the way that we are in the world. Laughter can be the most direct line between two people because it breaks down social barriers that separate us. They prize the ability to laugh at oneself and believe this ability is essential to our joy and well-being. They note that the ability to laugh at oneself requires humility (as listed above). People who laugh easily have a sense of abandon and ease. Laughter often works to diffuse anger and tension.

4) Acceptance: Acceptance is discussed as the ability to accept life in all its pain, imperfection, and beauty. Acceptance is not resignation or defeat. Acceptance enables one to engage in life on life’s terms rather than railing against it or residing in a place of resentment, blame, bitterness, or hopelessness. Acceptance means letting go of expectations that cause suffering when they are not met. Much of life’s suffering stems from reacting to people, places, and things, and circumstances rather than accepting them. Acceptance is characterized as the sword that cuts through our resistance and allows us to relax, see clearly, and respond well. The ability to be present in each moment is seen as the ability to accept the vulnerability, discomfort, and anxiety that is part of life.

Qualities of the Heart

1) Forgiveness: Maya Angelou says of forgiveness, “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” This sounds like a potentially daunting and difficult task. However, the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu credit humans as having the ability to be instruments of great compassion and forgiveness. They believe that no one is incapable of forgiving, and no one is unforgivable. They do not advise forgetting harm that is done, only forgiving it. Without forgiveness we are seen as bound or tethered to the person who harmed us, which can leave us trapped and bitter. Forgiveness is viewed as taking back control of our own fate, becoming our own liberators. It is easy to see how being free of resentment and bitterness can create an opening for joy and peace.

2) Gratitude: The authors recommend that when we wake up, every day, we say: “I am fortunate to be alive. I have been granted a precious human life. I am not going to waste it.” The ability to practice gratitude and to see wonder, surprise, and possibility in our everyday experience is a core aspect of joy. Gratitude allows us to approach life from a perspective of abundance rather than scarcity. Practicing gratitude enables us to cut across the negative bias in our brains and expand our capacity to see the good.

3) Compassion: Compassion is defined as a sense of concern that arises when we come face to face with another’s suffering and feel motivated to see that suffering relieved. Compassion connects the feeling of empathy to acts of kindness, generosity, and other altruistic acts. Overcoming our tendency to focus solely on ourselves works to alleviate suffering for others and for ourselves. We are wired to be social animals, caring for one another. Research has found that our brains light up when doing something for someone else in the same way that they light up when we eat chocolate. It seems that bringing joy to others is the fastest way to bring joy to ourselves. Compassion is characterized as open-hearted and courageous.

4) Generosity: Generosity is regarded as the best way of becoming increasingly grateful. Generosity has been linked to long-term well- being and is correlated with longer life expectancy, improved immune system functioning, and overall good health. Generosity appears to strengthen relationships and connections across cultures worldwide. Buddhist teachings list three kinds of generosity: material giving, giving freedom from fear (offering protection, counsel, or solace), and spiritual giving. Spiritual giving refers to offering wisdom and helping people to become happier and more self-sufficient.

The eight pillars of joy lay the groundwork that makes room for and invites joy. This sounds lovely, yet I was recently reminded that being open to joy can be a vulnerable, sometimes scary place. In a recent season of acute grief, at times I felt uncomfortable acknowledging the feeling of joy.

I end by quoting a blessing about courage and joy. I wish you the strength and willingness to build the eight pillars, set your table, and allow yourself to sit with, experience, and delight in joy.

A Poem for you

Blessing of Courage

by Jan Richardson

It can take practice,
days of tugging at
what keeps us bound,
seasons of pushing against
what keep our dreaming small.

When it arrives,
it might surprise you
by how quiet it is,
how it moves
with such grace
for possessing
such power.

But you will know it
by the strength
that rises from within you
to meet it,
by the release
of the knot
in the center of
your chest
that suddenly lets go,

You will recognize it
by how still
your fear becomes
as it loosens its grip,
perhaps never quite
leaving you,
but calmly turning
into joy
as you enter the life
that is finally
your own.

The Cure for Sorrow, Wanton Gospeller Press, 2020