By Susan Melendez Doak, LPC
“I’m so tired of doing everything in my family. I work. I do all of the cleaning and housework, drive kids around, and have no time for myself.”
“Yeah I’m mad. I’m mad that my husband won’t lift a finger to help me in the house because he is too tired from work. Meanwhile, I’m drowning over here in dishes.”
“My ‘to do’ list keeps me up at night. I just can’t turn off my brain. There are not enough hours in a day to get it all done.”
“If it wasn’t for me, this place would fall apart. They need me for everything”
These are a few examples of how exhausted moms are feeling.
I have talked with hundreds of women in my counseling office over the years and there’s one theme that keeps coming up for moms: an utter exhaustion and feelings of anger that others are not helping enough at home. Moms are over-taxed with the pressures of working, taking care of children, and household tasks. Many of these pressures are related to cultural ideas around gender roles and real disparities that remain in American households.
According to 2023 report from the Pew Research Center, even in households where partners in opposite-sex relationships were earning roughly the same amount of money, women were still spending double the amount of time on household chores than men. It’s not just the chores—it’s the childcare, the organization of family activities, and other duties such as caring for aging parents.
I have heard many moms say they “just want to be left alone” for Mother’s Day. As a 40-something mom myself, I can see that there are many parts of being a mother that are simply exhausting, no matter what you do. But I’ve also wondered if there are things some of us might be doing to contribute to our own pile of unending tasks. Trust me, I’m not here to blame you for how you feel or to tell you to just “think differently” about things and they will get better.
CONSIDER THIS: OVER-FUNCTIONING
Instead, I’d like to present one possible reason for a portion of our exhaustion. Some of us are over-functioning. If as a child you were forced into a parenting role, pushed toward achievements at a young age, or perhaps cared for an unfit parent, you might tend toward over-functioning. Over-functioning is a relationship pattern where one person takes on more than their proportion of physical, emotional, organizational, or relational labor. It can take the form of over-caring to the point of ignoring and suppressing your need for self care.
There are many situations—both temporary and ongoing—that may require 100% of what we have: single parenting, having a child with an illness, or unexpected loss. We have no choice but to put it all on the table to merely survive. These are the hardest moments of our lives and ones we never forget. This is not over-functioning; rather it is survival.
When I refer to over-functioning, I am referring to a non-crisis pattern of relating to others where we unconsciously “train” our partners, children, and even co-workers that we are the best or only person for the job—the most capable, organized and dependable person. We’re the “best” a loading the dishwasher so that everything gets perfectly cleaned. We’re the best at making nutritious meals for the family and the best at making doctor’s appointments for the kids. We’re better at waking up with crying children in the night and great at cleaning toilets. We solve emotional and relational problems, and somehow make sure that the PE uniform gets washed, dried, and put in the backpack on Monday before school.
How do they know that we’re the best? Because we do it. We’re so experienced! The more you do something, the better you become at it. These patterns start early in marriages and seem benign and even endearing. As children enter the picture, the number of tasks increases exponentially—and so does the stress. By the time you get to mid-life, the walls seem to close in in all sides: caring for children, high career demands, caring for aging parents, and perimenopause/menopause. Something’s gotta give!
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE OVER-FUNCTIONING
What are some signs that you might be over-functioning in your family relationships?
- You’re angry at your partner. You find that you can’t shake that resentment that simmers below the surface. You may find yourself saying passive aggressive comments. You feel taken for granted and even foolish for letting him get away with doing so little for so long.
- You’re the hub for EVERYTHING. If you find that every need, problem, dentist appointment, or birthday invitation has to flow through you to find its ultimate solution, you might be a mom. But if there are other adults who are able to help, and you are still the only hub, you might be over-functioning.
- You feel you are crumbling under the pressure. Everything has to be perfect and you have to look good while doing it. Have you accomplished all 100 things on your to-do list while posting perfectly lit photos of your family’s beautiful life on Instagram? Where’s my sundress and straw hat? The pressure is real.
- You’re the only one cleaning. There are able-bodied people of many ages who are able to help, but mom is still stuck with the housework.
- You’re not sure who you are. In quiet moments, you find yourself wondering who you are, what you’re doing, and why you are doing it. You have not tended to your inner life much and have neglected your health. You are not sure of your interests and hobbies (chores are NOT hobbies). You see the woman in the mirror, and you are sad that you don’t know her very well.
What does over-functioning look like and feel like? Luisa Madrigal from Encanto nails it….
WHAT YOU CAN DO
If you’ve found yourself in the category of over-functioning, you are probably a loving person, great at caring for others, and attuning to those around you. Unfortunately, for you, caring for others has often meant not caring for yourself. So many mothers neglect their own health to put others first and even feel guilty about sitting down or taking a nap.
I’d like to empower you with some ideas for shifting out of over-functioning to a healthy functioning pattern—even as I acknowledge that not all people have the social support to make these changes. There is so much need for moms to band together to help one another.
Ideas for shifting out of over-functioning to a healthy relationship pattern:
- Seek help. Get family members, husbands and children to help with chores on a regular basis, not just when you ask. There are simply too many dishes being dirtied and clothes to launder for one person. Chores are life skills and even toddlers are capable of learning how to help. We all make messes; we can all clean them up.
- Have the talk. Talk to your spouse about the division of family and household tasks. A great tool to help with this is Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play. Rodsky describes tasks in three distinct parts: conceive or notice something needs to be done..plan how to do it…and execute the plan to complete the task. Clarifying who takes on which task and why can go a long way in reducing resentment over time.
- Lower your standards. Yes, I said it. You don’t have to be the PTA president to ensure the best possible education for your child. You don’t have to bake cookies for the church picnic. You can buy them at the store. Allow family members to do chores to a “good enough standard,” even if it’s not how you’d do it.
- No triangulation. Avoid becoming triangulated in the relationship problems of those around you. Over-functioning may emerge in a more relational way for you. If you find that others come to you to intervene in their conflicts (this is the triangle), step back from giving advice or becoming a mediator, especially with adults. Allow them to work out their own conflicts and conserve your energy for other things, like hobbies, taking a nap, or sitting with a cup of coffee on the deck.
- Find yourself again. You might need to look to your child self to figure out what your interests are and where you find joy. Do things that help you to be in your body. For many moms, this means catching up on doctor’s appointments and tending to our physical health. Find yourself in movement through dance, yoga, or walking. Find yourself in the natural world, in books, in time with friends and with your partner.
Some of these shifts are easier said than done.
Patterns of over-functioning often come from our families of origin. I have met many Latina and Black women who say that they first learned how to over-function as the oldest female child in the family when they were expected to be a parental figure as a child themselves. Men struggle with over-functioning too, especially those who have grown up in homes with substance abuse or domestic violence. Many times, they have been forced to be protectors and providers for their families at a young age.
If you find that you struggle with over-functioning, it may be helpful to journal about it or to speak with a professional counselor to explore the family of origin patterns that may have led you here and how you’d like to intentionally move forward toward more health relationship patterns. I have seen many of my own clients make incredible life changes that have brought them so much joy and hope as a result of exploring these relational patterns in counseling.
I leave you with a word of encouragement:
TO THE MOMS
You are more than what you do for others.
You are worthy and valuable outside of what you accomplish each day.
I see you.
You are frustrated, stressed and so very tired.
Rest.
Breathe.
Come back to yourself.
Breathe. She is still there, the person you once knew.
Susan Melendez Doak is the owner of Newberg Counseling & Wellness and holds an active LPC license in the state of Oregon. Her areas of clinical expertise include maternal mental health, adolescent and family issues, anxiety and depression, trauma, grief, BIPOC concerns and transition issues. Susan enjoys working with other counselors and healthcare workers through one-on-one therapy and education to prevent and treat burnout, compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. She is a registered Clinical Supervisor Candidate in Oregon for LPC and LMFT counseling associates.